KnotSlowhttps://plume.pullopen.xyz/@/KnotSlow@autizmo.xyz/atom.xml2021-05-26T03:24:52.555191+00:00<![CDATA[Indian-English Could've Been Better]]>https://autizmo.xyz/~/ThoughtAbyss/indian-english-could've-been-better/2021-05-26T03:24:52.555191+00:00KnotSlowhttps://autizmo.xyz/@/KnotSlow/2021-05-26T03:24:52.555191+00:00<![CDATA[<p>I hate the Indian-English accent. I have been on the internet for about 9 years, Indians making tonnes of video/audio content only became a phenomenon in the past 5 years, maybe to a greater degree. And I have consumed a lot of these over the years for various academic reasons. And I absolutely love the fact that these exist, I definitely do not complain about any of them. But my dislike for the accent is not so shallow. </p>
<p>I like to think of spoken language as a form of an art. When spoken beautifully, you want to hear them speak all day long. I have grown up listening to about 5 language almost regularly and I can fully comprehend only 3. But my experience with all of five of them is similar; regardless of the dialect, they all sound equally beautiful. There was never a point where I could point out a language call it “ugly sounding” when spoken by any non-native speaker. The beauty of Indic languages lies in the similarity of the sounds. It isn’t very hard for one to adapt and learn to speak non-native languages.</p>
<p>But I have a lot of complaining to do when I bring up English. It is an officially recognized language & India happens to be one of the largest English-speaking nations. And yet, listening to an average Indian speak is insufferable. I would not be so harsh in judging if they were from schools that didn’t teach English. But all of the people I have spoken to, have spent 20 years with English as their medium of communication during education. Most of them lack basic vocabulary to have a meaningful conversation, it is saddening.</p>
<p>I point all of my fingers and toes at how the Education system is built around the language. No where do they ever teach the importance of intonation, the basics of which are first introduced when you are 13 years old, which already is too late to fix your language. It isn’t particularly helpful if the teacher is reluctant to correct you on your mistakes.. anyway, this digression is for another time. </p>
<p>The root of failure of Indian-English is, borrowing of intonation from native languages(When used within the context of Indic language, this adoption of intonation is often bearable, thanks to similar sound system). English then becomes disconnected, it is hard to articulate emotion in an impactful manner. I am not a master of English either, but my criticism comes from a point of emotional attachment to the language. When you grow up using a language every single day of your life for all purposes, would you not take offense when you realize how degrading it is? It has been hard for me throughout my childhood to ever read a book written in English (books outside of academics) and have a vivid imagination. It was extremely difficult for me to self-learn. The impact of language on life is far exceeding than just using it as a tool to get things done on the daily.</p>
]]><![CDATA[My Lost Father]]>https://autizmo.xyz/~/ThoughtAbyss/my-lost-father/2021-05-15T10:53:40.663895+00:00KnotSlowhttps://autizmo.xyz/@/KnotSlow/2021-05-15T10:53:40.663895+00:00<![CDATA[<p>One of the people on this planet I have difficulty being open with is my father. I can never recollect a single memory where I can say that I have had a good day with my father. There not a single day where we had truly been father & son beyond the tangible structure. There had never been a day when he truly appreciated my interests when it never really aligned with his beliefs and plans for me & I had many hobbies and interests over the years that died as a result. </p>
<p>The answer I always got when I requested him for items that would help with my interests was: “This doesn’t help you make money or put roof on your head, abandon this.”. As long as it didn’t cost him more money than what was already spent, he’d fine with whatever you do. But once you do need something… its going to be always a no. When this is your experience with your father over 2 decades, can you really say you “love” your father? I don’t think so, I do respect him but I don’t think I love him. Forget about asking for things, just showing off the cool thing you did on a piece of paper alone was too difficult, he’d look away all the time or would cut you off in between. As a kid, this is not very promising to ever share anything with your father. And that’s what happened. Ever since I was 10, I stopped sharing entirely about anything. Its almost as if there was no father figure at all.</p>
<p>The most scariest thing about him is that he’s unpredictable about how he acts. One moment he is smiling, the next he’s uncontrollably angry. This is the cherry on top, totally stops me from approaching him for just about anything. I was punished was just having fun or wanting to be like other kids. </p>
<p>Regardless, I cannot be ignorant about all of his traits. He’s been hardworking since I was a baby, never skipped work and practiced “work is worship”. Thanks to his oversight about the family and his carefully planned investments, we are able to live a comfortable life even in the worst years for humanity. </p>
<p>This doesn’t absolve him from everything. If he weren’t my father, I wouldn’t think twice about abandoning the relationship.</p>
]]><![CDATA[A Rare Day]]>https://autizmo.xyz/~/ThoughtAbyss/a-rare-day/2021-04-08T18:31:25.489077+00:00KnotSlowhttps://autizmo.xyz/@/KnotSlow/2021-04-08T18:31:25.489077+00:00<![CDATA[<p>Today has been one the rare days of my life. I have experienced emotion I thought I was devoid of, for all these years. I experienced love. No, not romantic love, its love for the world and I was able to empathise with all the suffering the humanity has been thorough.</p>
<p>I was watching a movie in the afternoon, and out of nowhere the character finds himself in a serene landscape of mountains and a small village. When I saw that, I couldn’t stop myself from crying my eyes out. I couldn’t stop myself, the beauty was so overwhelimg that I just couldn’t stop until the another scene was played. I cannot believe it even after many hours now, I have for the first time in forever, felt love, the pain of losing what was once beautiful.</p>
<p><img src="https://autizmo.xyz/static/media/096F651C-1E5D-7640-88D4-716CE41EB9BB.jpg" alt=" Switzerland village-landscape"> </p>
<p>It was last year, in september, that I first really wanted to know about world war 2. I had come across “World War 2 in color” documentary. I was never really interested in history before that day, I casually watched the show, completed it the same day, and I was never the same since. I wanted to know more and more. The more I learnt of what happened, the more I was drawn to the history. With every story I learn, it only broke my heart.</p>
<p>My interest in ww2 wasn’t political or to prove that if “Hitler did nothing wrong”. My only reason was to understand the suffering of people. When innocent people die as a consequence of hatred for the group they belong to, its always sad and also the countless number of animals that died. </p>
<p>In my months of learning about the history, I have spent time looking at the beautiful European landscapes, cities and villages. I love how beautiful Europe was and still is. Such beautiful world and yet evil exists, it pains me deeply. Subconsciously, I have associated all the pain with the landscapes. And that is why, the moment I saw the scene with similar landscape, I just couldn’t stop crying, all the emotions I have felt throughout learning about the war hit me at once.</p>
<p>I find myself often questioning if I really could feel emotions, I had no response when I was watching, say, a death scene in a movie. It is detached and I have nothing of value that I lost to feel any empathy for the characters. But, having spent months learning the war and suffering, the same scenes that once left me unfazed, put me in a much different emotional state. By spending a lot of time understanding and empathizing with the pain of war, I was able to actually feel genuine love for something, pain for people. This motivates me to not give up on reading fiction genre books, I know for a fact that it will help me find a way to let out my emotions and feel better.</p>
]]><![CDATA[Losing Myself]]>https://autizmo.xyz/~/ThoughtAbyss/losing-myself/2021-04-07T21:23:43.759351+00:00KnotSlowhttps://autizmo.xyz/@/KnotSlow/2021-04-07T21:23:43.759351+00:00<![CDATA[<p>I wake up daily, but I am barely alive. I complete tasks, but I am barely content. I am filled with contempt for myself, for what I have become. I have nothing that I am proud of. I have lived all my life afraid of the authority. Why is it so hard for me to feel better? With every problem I solve, another takes root and I am engulfed in its flames, forever. I do not know when I can rest peacefully. </p>
<p>As I write this at 3am, I ask myself: “What am I still alive?”. Too scared to end myself and too tired of failing life, I am crushed by my thoughts.</p>
<p>Nothing seems bright anymore. I am too distant from anyone to talk to, no one I can take help from. My friends; they left me hanging to the last bit of hopes when I needed them the most.</p>
<p>I have never felt love, love that lets me cry my eyes out on a warm lap, love that reassures me that I do not have to push myself so hard everyday. I wonder if there’s any hope for me to feel love in this lifetime. I weep when its dark, when everyone’s gone to bed. All I can do is sit at the computer and write about my pain. I have lost all hope in finding anyone I can talk to.</p>
<p>Am I going to live such a mundane life? None to care for and none who care for me? I do not want such a life. Walking on the edge of a mountain is not what I want for the rest of my life. Such luck is mine, a waste of time. Should I make the decision? do I end it all? I do not know.. maybe when the last bit of hope fades away, I shall do the deed.</p>
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